22.09.26

I was going to write here every day. But I guess I got a little distracted yesterday, I stoped using nicotine two days ago making this day three. First two days where quite painful but somehow that made it easier to push thru. Today is different, it's harder because there is no pain to fight, just this annoying itch in my brain. 

Did not do anything music related yesterday, however I did get a fair amount of reading done. Not that I had set any goal for reading, I usually feel like I should read a great deal more than I actually do and for some reason I did a lot of reading yesterday and it was a great relief from my self made problems. I'll continue to read today and perhaps finish the book. 

I do intend to again open up the music file of my song and do something. What I think I really doing is trying to rediscover the joy of making music. I have no real ambition for fame or wealth although being payed for making music would be nice. I just want to feel that electric excitement that comes with thinking of a new song and that feeling of contentment when you finish one. I think I lost that over the years in the pursuit for a music career. I don't have any ambition left but I do want to make music, I want to give back to music what it gave to me: hope, joy, peace, belonging. I would love to be able to write music that made people feel that. 
I guess I do have some ambition left, perhaps it just got so ridiculous and impractical that I scared myself out of doing anything. Well, what ever it is, I am hell bent on making music for the fun of it and if someone else likes it great.

I am so close to braking and getting nicotine pouches. But if I do I am stupid and weak and the two things I hate in this world are stupidity and weakness.